By: Jay Sorgi
From guidelines informed by universal Synod on the Family
The Diocese of Oakland is diving deep into a new vision for preparing couples for the sacrament of Matrimony that follows recent pastoral guidelines stemming from the Synod on the Family called by the late Pope Francis.
Karen Flores, coordinator of the diocesan Marriage and Family Life Office, says that the changes, founded in the Catechumenal Pathways for Married Life created by the Vatican’s Dicastery for Laity, Family and Life, are meant to help create a more holistic, in-depth journey toward the sacrament.
“Pope Francis called for a renewed model for pre-marriage preparation, because the most common model was a weekend retreat for the engaged couples. And he just said that it wasn’t fair for the couples to be preparing just one weekend for a lifetime commitment,” said Flores.
“He referred to how in professional life, we go to college and graduate school for so many years. Priests and religious discern their vocation for so many years. For couples, it’s only a weekend of preparation and some discernment process, if any, before the wedding.”
Flores said that as she became more informed about the Catechumenal Pathways through a ministry conference, and drawing from her own professional experience, she realized the diocese could implement a richer model of marriage preparation.
The Diocese of Oakland requires a minimum of 20 hours in marriage preparation. Check with your parish regarding their opportunities. English and Spanish languages weekend sessions are available through the Diocese of Oakland, and special accommodations are available for those whose work schedules require it. Visit https://www.oakdiocese.org/marriage-prep-retreat/ for details.
With Bishop Michael C. Barber, SJ’s approval, she is implementing marriage skills-teaching within parishes, alongside a full-day retreat at the diocesan level for couples.
“Doing marriage skills with the parish would allow for engaged couples to form community, and hopefully they’re encouraged to stay longer and actually become active if they’re not already active in their communities,” Flores explained.
Each parish decides the number of weeks of marriage preparation. She also encourages parishes to enroll couples into pre-marriage inventory assessments that each member of a couple takes individually.
“It prints out a report of where they’re matching, but also possible red flags, things that they’re really not on the same page or things that they haven’t even discussed,” she explained.
“Those could be potential risk factors for the health of their relationship. If there’s still certain wounds or addictions, things needing to be worked on, they can be identified before getting into marriage.”
Meanwhile, a sacramentally-based retreat format will allow for more time for reconciliation, adoration and teaching the spiritual aspect of a sacramental marriage.
“The diocesan team will take on the one day retreat, only focusing on the spirituality of the sacrament,” said Flores. “We have a whole day to really go over each vow and what it really means to say yes to this.”
The goal isn’t simply to encourage couples to celebrate the Sacrament of Matrimony. It’s to help more couples embrace the sacrament for decades, so they experience faithful and love-filled marriages.
“If you help them understand how much of a beautiful process and even a healing process this could be, the couple is going to be even more in love. They’re going to be more compassionate, more understanding,” Flores believes.
Ultimately, couples should encounter an all-encompassing preparation experience from the moment they let their parish know they are engaged.
“The first phase you will be doing might involve a mentor couple who will meet with you on a weekly basis, or a group of engaged couples. [The two couples] will be discussing communication, finances, conflict resolution. Even if you think that you’re already good at managing that, you’ll be getting really good tools from expert couples who have been doing this for a long time,” says Flores.
“You will be doing a one-day retreat with us at the diocese at the cathedral. We’re going to come together and go over exactly what the sacrament means, what you are going to be saying yes to, and the importance of saying yes and looking for this blessing from God, understanding that the power of becoming one through Christ is very powerful.”
The process will be longer, but if couples embrace the opportunity it will be worth the extra effort.
“Trust that if you’re putting this in God’s hands, He’s going to lead you through a beautiful process because that’s the God that we know, a loving, merciful God,” Flores recommends.
Visit the Marriage Preparation page to learn more and register for a Marriage Preparation Retreat.